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Troubled "Poetic" Soul

Monday, July 7, 2008

11:47PM - blaeh, VERITAS....

Hasn't this ever happened to you? Like, one day you're walking around, with a blank mind, just absorbing the enviroment around like a sponge. Trying to soak everything in, like inhaling slowly as if to check for some funny smell in the air or a strange feeling in your body that tells you something is wrong. It's like, i can see that there's something fishy here...What i mean is, to explain some of it, it's like i didn't feel the busy streets of my neighborhood, 53 st and 8th ave, with all these tourists and amazingly beautiful women walking about REAL enough for me. I am just there, a walking magnifying glass, the scorching sunlight concentrating on the magnifying glass, burning holes through the people's mask. That's me trying to see what's behind the tired man's face, what can his eyes tell me where he's been, what he's seen.
I stayed inside until say 2 o clock, went out to see if my new glasses were done, the current ones are crazy glued in the middle, can't wait to get rid of them, even though these are transitions and the new ones aren't. Anyway, since they weren't ready i went to Rite Aid to pick up my pimple fighter, it's made out of the same thing proactive is but twice as strong, my doctors no fool, lol. Well, right in front of rite aid was this girl, dark blonde hair, green eyed, and a penetrating gaze. She had a sign that probably said she needed money, i didn't read it, only got to see the GOD BLESS YOU at the bottom. This i found a bit humorous, not mocking humorous, because even non religious people would probably write that if they were in her position. I had no money on me, like always, so i kept on walking. I came out of the pharmacy and gave her another look, she was probably 19 or 21, i wsa just wondering all these things about her. I thought of how i might be doing what she's doing in the future, don't know when, where or why, well the why maybe yes. I came home, and ate a muffin, one of the few things ready to eat without preparation, i'm extremely lazy. Then after i finished, i thought about that girl, and if she had eaten lately. I stood up and went to the kitchen to see if i could find something that didn't need preparation to give to her, and didn't really find anything. I mean i could done soup noodles, toasted bread, gave her some cereal, dry or something, or just made up something. i didn't, i felt helpless and defeated. I saw myself in her shoes and felt a smile form in my mouth when somebody stopped and game a dollar or food or just some company. But that's my view of it. I mean, there was nothing that made her look, excuse me, no offense to anyone, like a bum, excpet the sign. this meant she either was here from somewhere else, maybe a twon far away, or even another country, etc. I don't know. But she was beautiful, which struck me even more. She shouldn't have to do this, i thought to myself, and then reflected on how shallow that was.
After that, i went to central park, Hugh was there from Neighbor Poem, i love his songs, third time i find him there, or fourth, he's on my tops check his band out,its folk indie, alternative, if ur into labels (as described by him, the labels i mean). He showed me how to play fighting days, even though he had to go and meet with his girlfriend. And me, mm, i am still on the crazy train, it hasn't reached its destination yet, im still in dream land and don't seem to want to come back. I lost all pleasure in writing essays at school (am going to summer school to finish one essay and powerpoint presentation). Whats wrong, with me...?

Friday, January 11, 2008

1:38AM - me talking crap...

I AM HERE NOW, ENCAPSULATED N THIS VERY MOMENT WHEN YOU ARE READING MY WORDS, AND I BELIEVE THAT I AM IN PEACE AS OF NOW.I did not realize until now that i was writing in caps, but hey, why bother changing it now, perhaps it was meant to be.It's nothing to say lightly, but I dare to say it, of course there may will be, not may be moments in which my ego is being split apart between my superego, ruler of judgment, morality per se, conceptual thinking, while my id, the ever hungry seeker of the expedient source of (momentary) pleasure to mask the current instability of "positive"more likely sedative forms of deluding ourselves. My ego is caught up in between, flabbergasted by fear, anxiety, pain. As i witness this omnipresent dilemma in my mind, comfortably lying on a hammock between two sky-towering coconut trees, the rustling sound of trees accepting, acting in accordance with the wind, with no resistance, letting the wind sway them, and just being. I am not going to be a part of this foolish dilemma of momentary disillusionment, and i am detached from these three, ego, superego, and id, therefore vanishing, or at least greatly diminishing, the suffering that lies when we are trapped by clinging to one side, the the side of good, in this world of polarities, which is the very elementary essence from which this world was created, and by going against it i only dig a bigger hole from which to dig out from.

Accepting the mental "life situation" which is a construction of your mind, and instead embracing your current life as if it was what you had chosen all along. This is beyond conceptual thinking, language alone can only point to it. But this essence lies within everything in the universe, but only to those aware of it, just as everything else, it only exists until you think of it, or are overcome or presents itself to you. It's a awakening that takes place in your head, that makes you go outside of it. It's you are able to look beyond what you do, you think, and think, why do i do this? I didn't mean it, that's not me. I did not mean to be rude to my friend,but she said something that my ego didn't like, and threatened to bring down all my ideology about how i do what i do, or to anything really. When we are in a conversation, it is usually only about us, one way, we pretend to be listening or caring, but are really thinking of what to say next, instead of focusing on feeling the other as part of us, and not judge and tell someone they are wrong, it's just another way to pursue the discussion and give more food to th ego. The ego is the one running the show, not you. There's a madness in all this, at first when looked at, but when you realize about how mad u really are and a lot of the world, you are not longer mad. A part of you has to die, before your actual death, so therefore there is no death.

I haven't read THE POWER OF NOW by Eckhart Tolle, some of what i just talked about is in the book, i only read some quotes, but alot of it wasn't exactly new to me becasue it completely coincides with everything else that i had been reading, it only reinforces it. THE POWER OF MYTH by Joseph Campbell, the Baghavadad Gita, hard to spell is from Hinduism and the Vedas and Sutras,Buddhism,practically all civilizations of the past, even Christianity, but when looked out of the narrative context. Ralph Waldo Emerson, Humanistic psychotherapy and psychoanalysis, Psychologist Carl Jung,and Heinz Kohut, even in the life of Pink Floyd's Syd barrett there is evidence of this, he was schizophrenic, which explains his outstanding creativity, and why he went "mad"and never returned to music. There are so many examples of how this consciouses has resonance in the outside world that i am overwhelmed, an know i can't and don't have to prove to people i see them, most won't understand but can only on their own, but i guess i am contradicting myself as i am just doing the very same here. By proving i am seeking without what i have within, my ego aching for more food, but the food of the transcendent is itself, not thought, i don't know now but i know i can't describe it. And now if i keep i will never end and need hw to do, till another time solo nobody who read this. (theres goes the ego again..)

Current mood: apathetic

1:36AM - 12:44 am

not late
am here
avoiding hw
trying to tune
into the radio s-
tation of the heavens
this great over hanging
firmament, this majestical
roof, fretted with golden fire
why it appears no other thing to
me, but a foul and pestilent congre-
gation, of vapors, give it up for shakes-
spear, everybody, and somebody should rea-
lly shake up those spears, and set their demented
minds, duh, lol, around. let's break the pattern shall we
oops,did it again,the ladder thing, it rearranges itself, real-
ly.why r u here right now, whoever u are, even if it is just an
alternate version of my narcisstic ego taking its nightly, dream str-
oll around, sleep walking, while I have the burden of staying confined
in this grotesque, imperfect, dying body, and I don't mean that literally bec=
ause, hey, who could resist such heavenly temptation, which has no form yet is
witthin every form.yin yan, up, down, silence, sound, but how can silence not be a
sound, since we can hear it? wow, u've made it this far, amused by my atempts of adapting his foreign language that has only being acquainted with my mind almost 9 years, about half my life, yet still i try to fancy myself a writer , writing about how I don't have anything to write about, since i am not a writer, but hey let's stop with the conundrums there. what do i mean by conundrum, am not sure, i know it means paradox i think, just thought it sounded nice, and would give that sheer, soul poisening confidence,or arrogance, lift myself up only to catch myself halfway and regret ever trying to lift my ego when it would backfire onme cause i am aware of it, something most people are not, i know that this untamable horse, beast, per se, is riding the show, i am just here for the ride and hope that by some incessant kicking and screamming, tail puling will save me from falling froma crazy cliff, in which no "Catcher in the Rye" would be there to catch me, in fact Holden would be so engrossed in his own phoniness that he won't even notice me, and i think i should be going 18 minutes have passed and i wish i wrote as freely as this when writing a paper, but oh well, it is aimless blabler, right?

Current mood: cynical

Saturday, August 18, 2007

5:02PM - Tantalizing Beauty

ok, so i havent been here for like almost 2 years now, lol. i dont know if this poem flows but it just poured out of me, and its about being young and irresisitible, and to certain degree looking in from a older persons perspective. i should have had let you interpret for yourself... but, whatever.

"Tantalizing Beauty"

shallow, vague
yet magnetic
dazzle, and puzzle me

its radiating magnetism
oblivious to its
tantalizing grandeur
bewitching innocence
ignorance of youth

oblivious to its
fragile, tender
yet magnificently
destructive force


oh the ignorance of beauty
the ignorance of youth

Current mood: curious

Saturday, July 1, 2006

10:49AM - a song, i think...

Okay, i ain't no songwriter expert but this idea came to me really late at night. It's sort of punk, actually its really punk. The beginning starts with a catchy innocent melody and then it starts building up in the bridge, and then the chorus is fast-paced and screaming at the end. First time i do this so i don't know. Any comments ould be appreciated, and i'm actually not sure what to do at the end, and i am still working at the riff and guitar parts..

"Fucked It Up"

Verse 1
There was this girl, i really liked.
We became friends, it was all right.
And then things got, a whole lot better,
There was nothing that couldn't keep us together.

But all this succes
got me to wonder
If any of this, was remotely real?
Started to avoid her, for no apparent reason at aaaaalllllllll

I ruined it, I fucked it up,
There was something going on,
But I fucked it up,
Something special was growing,
But i fucked it up,
Wish I hadn't changed a thing,
Still, I fucked it up. 2X

[Verse 2]
Tel me what made me act this way,
I don't even know what to say, to you.
Except i wasn't man enough to keep you in MY HAAAAANDDSSSS!


[Chorus] 2X

Friday, June 2, 2006



Tuesday, May 23, 2006

11:46AM - Other great GUITARISTS!

Van Halen

Eddie Van Halen

Led Zeppelin


Jimi Hendrix


Tuesday, May 16, 2006

11:52AM - Brain Stew

The topic here is similar to this song i like, and it also has the title.I was prety lazy when i wrote this, so i don't expect much... I was bummed ou that day, like 2 months ago anyway..

Brain Stew

My minds is empty
my body's numb
My soul is lazy
I'm like a bum

Time runs so slow
It's so depressing
TV tunred to sjit
And my @#!* is resting

There is no world
There are no problems
All i can think of
My mind is empty

Death don't exist
Life is ignored
Love is fucked up
All i can think of
My mind is empty

I have no worries
And no interests
Fuck the president
And his big intellect
I'm like a bum
My mind is empty

All I can think of
It's so deppressing
Time runs so slow
And my dick is resting

On top of all
All this was destined
Perhaps, or not,
to be that way.

11:50AM - Brain Stew

The topic here is similar to this song i like, and it also has the title.I was prety lazy when i wrote this, so i don't expect much...

Brain Stew

My minds is empty
my body's numb
My soul is lazy
I'm like a bum

Time runs so slow
It's so depressing
TV tunred to sjit
And my dick is resting

There is no world
There are no problems
All i can think of
My mind is empty

Death don't exist
Life is ignored
Love is fucked up
All i can think of
My mind is empty

I have no worries
And no interests
Fuck the president
And his big intellect
I'm like a bum
My mind is empty

All I can think of
It's so deppressing
Time runs so slow
And my dick is resting

On top of all
All this was destined
Perhaps, or not,
to be that way.

Monday, April 3, 2006


I rote this last night, it's supposed to be like a song, slow. I'm not done yet, but here it is. ANd i wrote "our selves" on purpose, you'll get th e diea.

Faceless objects roll by my window,
The only face i see, is yours.
The world seemed to revolve around you,
for a momentm,
I felt closer to you.

The nice silent moments,
I'll remember the best.
Just me and you, thinking amongst our selves'.
Were you thinking of me too?

The world is whizzing by,
And all i see is a blur.
But when, i look in your eyes,
Don't miss the blurry things at all.

12:17PM - STEP

I was at 8th annual STEP cinference this past weekend, from friday to sunday. We stayed at the Mariott Hotel, in Albany, the "capital" of new york. Where farms were as common as street lights here in new york city. Anyway, i had fun at the conference, my first time. There were popele from all over New York STate presenting their posters, they were doing internships, etc. I just went to chill, when i become a junior next year i qualify for an intership, and i'll do it for the resume. The party there sucked, and no offense there wasn't much variety of people there, the majority was african american, i'm no KKK guy, it wasn't as varied as i thought. Anyway, at the party, everyone was just standing, half of them to bexact, and the other quarter were dancing, i mean, what kind of party is that. That's what happens when u throw a geek party, lol. My group, from the STEP program at BMCC (Borough of manhattan Community College) was fun. Even though we go to the same program, most of them weren't in physics. I met this guys who skateboard and like rock, they were real rockeers whatever u wanna call them. Not like in this school, where there aren't such people.This guy brought a guitar, and we all knew hot tom play it, except for the drummer guy. Joshua, the owner of the guitar, has been playing for less time than me, 3 months, and he's better at fingering and dping solos, but i'm better at playing power chorrds and getting the ryhtim of songs quickly. I was teaching marta how to play "Smells like Teen Spirit", she had no rythim, even though she can play some parts of Stairway to heaven, the slow fingering style from, which i find hard. But she's getting it. But i'm here agian, back in crappy land, and i have to go back to the boring life nhere in NYC. Not boring, but, the same old recylced life.

Thursday, January 26, 2006


Well, all i feel like saying now is


ROCK & ROLL BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, January 23, 2006


You Should Be An Aquarius

What's good about you: philosophical and idealistic, you are a great thinker

What's bad about you: you require a lot of space - it's hard to get close to you

In love: you're quirky and playful, but you hate to be smothered

In friendship, you're: likely to have many acquaintances and very few good friends

Your ideal job: pilot, snow boarder, or science fiction writer

Your sense of fashion: unconventional, unique outfits that turn heads

You like to pig out on: anything with garlic or unique spices
What Sign Should You Be?

12:12PM - I'm back

I wrote this during an english class writing time thought i'd put something here...


The queen of all emotions,
the one that causes pain.
Oh,love, what a commotion,
It's glued into my brain.

For love, there is death,
For love there are figts,
For love i'm short-breated,
Oh, love what a delight.

Love is the light,
Love is the truth,
Love is the pain,
Love is the way they say.

Swim into ocean of love,
hidden at the bottom of the sea.
It is there for all to search,
It is there for all to see.
When you feel sad, or alone,
Just remember, love is always with you,
It will never be gone.

Friday, December 23, 2005


Thursday, December 8, 2005


I just love this video.

Watch Video:


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Friday, October 7, 2005


This is the amount of people visiting my site!

Website Counters

Thursday, September 22, 2005


How You Are In Love

You take a while to fall in love with someone. Trust takes time.

You tend to give more than take in relationships.

You need your space and privacy. You don't like to be smothered.

You love your partner unconditionally and don't try to make them change.

You stay in love for a long time, even if you aren't loved back. When you fall, you fall hard.
How Are You In Love?

Monday, August 29, 2005


Hey guys. With the help of gandalf3579, i will be having a 3 inch galileo relfector telescope by next week possibly, he found it online and bought it cheaply, just 16.50, of which i am eternatlly gratefull and wil pay him later. It has a focla lenght of 700mm, a 76mm mirror, and comes wit a 6 mm and 20 mm eyepice, among other things. Since i live in the heart of new york city, what do u think i'll be able to observe the best. I know the planets and moon are nice sight through any telescope, but what do u think of of it, if i go to a perfect spotfar from the city, what would look awsome through this small scope? Here's a link of the scope,

Galileo telescope w/ tripod & cd rom planetarium


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